Sudden Floral Death

Oil of Oh-hell-get-me-outa-here

The smell of a high-school change-room has long ranked high on the list of “Things To Be Avoided”. However, the specific odour has changed somewhat since its birth in the dawns of Physical Education, our school being a case to point out. The modern nasal assault of the girls’ change-room has changed from the so yesterday smell of a lot of sweat and a little make-up to that of a LOT of deodorant and a little sweat. Now, with literally hundreds of different deodorants, antiperspirants and perfumes available, “AARGH I see the girls have been playing soccer today” has taken on a somewhat floral scent.

Not that there is anything wrong with deodorants - far from it! Without it, our change rooms could quite easily smell like the BOYS change rooms (shudder), although comparison is difficult as any girl who gets within a metre radius of them is automatically struck down by a special defensive smell and wakes up back at the girls’ school with a strong urge to have a shower. However, it is possible to go a little too far. Not content with spraying a little into our friend’s hand as demonstration, we now spray at random into the middle of the room. The different odours mingle, and mutate. A little (okay, maybe not just a little) of your favourite deodorant sprayed around will do no-one any harm, but after it drifts into a cloud of your best friend’s, drags through a few pools caused by various classmates and makes a brief pit stop in the toilet before returning to terrorize the anonymous flower-arranging scent, it may be getting a bit much. The impression may be given of drowning in Rose/violet/pear/daisy/honey/muck syrup. Then it runs head-on into a mixture of Nivea and Impulse with a slight hint of something French, loiters around someone’s sweaty sneakers for a while, and heads under the bench, where it picks up the remnants of a microbial civilisation which had just discovered the wheel in somebody’s too-old never-washed gym bag when they were tragically squished by a random broom-stroke from a brave cleaner. At this point anyone who stands in it and takes a deep breath will find their nasal passage has shut down entirely. If they intend to stay in the room, this may be a good thing.

By the time it’s made a few more rounds, visited all the discarded PE shirts, and intermingled with the huge amounts of random deodorant sprayed by girls who wonder why the room smells so bad, there are even odds that anyone striking a match in there will come out minus eyebrows. Of course I would never deprive my friends of the privilege - nay, the right to spray gallons of deodorant in an enclosed space, so I send out a plea to the staff:

GET AIR CONDITIONING!